With some impending car repairs and other expenses coming up this month I thought I better start playing the lottery or at least get more money in to my checking account.

I’ve not actually been saving my change it just happens to end up in a old Folgers coffee can. Get home dump out the pockets and in goes the change. Uncounted and forgotten like a bad hooker.

This can is full of all denominations of change. How much do you think is in there?

Wait! Before you answer that, I’ll give you the dimensions of the can.

It weighs in at a whopping 28 pounds! So says the bathroom scale. Which I never EVER stand on, EVER!

This is the size if you bought it with coffee in it.

It’s about 11″ Tall

I have not one of these but 2.

No wait! I have 3 of them!

The 3rd one is just slightly bigger!

Then they started multiplying!

HOLY FUCK, THEY’RE INVADING MY KITCHEN TABLE!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

I’ve been collecting this change for YEARS!

Every time someone comes over to the house they ask “Why don’t you cash this in? I bet there’s a couple hundred bucks in here?” To be honest it was just never a priority. Once in a while The EYE-talian would give me 20 bucks and he’d take quarters for laundry. (even though I told him he could just use mine and do it for free.) Plus I didn’t want to go thought the hassle of counting it and all that jibba-jabba!

Well, Hot shots, I finally cashed it all in! So all of my friends can finally stop complaining to me.

Here’s the story:

Saturday morning I call my bank and asked if they still accepted loose change. The lady on the phone said that they in fact did, but they bag it up and send it down to their downtown branch and count it there. NUTS TO THAT! I thought! Even though Mr. Awesome works for the same bank and told me that any branch will count it for me at at any location. Then the nice lady on the phone dropped a HUGE bomb on on me.

“Our branch at Roe and College has a coin counter in the lobby if you want to count it there.”

HOLY FUCK THEY DO!! I thought! “Is it the kind that charges a percentage? like the ones at a grocery stores?” I questioned as I continued with my investigation.

“Yes, but if you have an account with us it won’t charge you.” (It charges 3% if you’re interested)

On dang I don’t have AN account with you. I have TWO accounts (savings and checking) with you!”

“Well then your all set! How much change do you have?” she tried to question.

“HEY!” I exclaimed “I’ll be asking the questions here, Missy!”

“What are the hours of the branch at Roe and College?”

“Same as the ones at all of out branches.” She said smartly.

“Lady, if I knew what they were I wouldn’t have asked.”

“9 a.m to noon on Saturdays”

“Thank you! You have been a great help. Give yourself a raise or something” I said in closing.

The time was 10:45 Saturday morning, I knew it would be a challenge to get to the bank and then have all of the change counted before noon. So I busted out all of the stops. I took a quick shower and hauled ass out to Roe and College. It’s about a 20 min drive. But looking back I could have made it faster if I would have went out I-35 and then over 435 to Roe but whatever. I went down Roe.

I arrived at the bank at 11:30, located the machine and promptly began dumping my change into the receptacle. As the first one was counting I was multi tasking, like a mo-fo! Racing back to the car to get another bucket full of change, as one was being counted.

As I had all of the buckets dumped into the machine it all of the sudden stops. Warning lights start flashing like I had just hit the Billion dollar progressive jackpot on the slot machines at the Argosy Casino, all the lights start to flash and it begins to beep. OH FUCK! I broke the fucking machine!

I read on the LED screed that it says “MALFUNCTION - ALERT CASHIER” GOD DAMMIT!! I think “I’m NOT paying for that!” I squeal!

Casheir asks “What does it say” I tell her she ten says O.K I have to get the manager She’ll be over in a second”

“Oh-tay!” I say and give her a thumbs up and a wink.

The much better looking manager comes over and looks at the LED screen. “You broke my change counter, dude.”

“No I didn’t It broke its self, you dumb bitch” I shoot back. Then I felt bad for calling her a dumb bitch so I offered to have sex with her in the vault. She declined (natch)

Actually that didn’t happen. But the MUCH nicer looking manger did come over, opened the machine and told me that I filled up all of the change bags. As she was changing I offered to help with the load because I knew the those change bags would be heave, she declined my assistance. But she did ask if I had any more BUCKETS of change?

“None, that is the last of it.”

“How long have you been saving this?” Branch manager asks

I actually replied with “I really haven’t been saving it. At least not on purpose any way. But I guess it’s been a few years. Those old ladies insist on paying me in change for my mad sex skilz”

“Yea, I guess so.”

She changed the money bags and restarted the machine, and I continued to stand there.

It was already after 12 and I could feel the cashiers burning a hole in my back. I’m sure they wanted to get out of there.

I was finally finished about 12:15. All told it took about 30 min to get all that change counted.

Now I ask you how much do you think is there? 500? 750? Not even close!

The grand total was $1381.29

I KNOW I SAID HOLY FUCK TOO!!!

Now don’t go asking me for a donation. The money is already spent on car repairs, a new suit, new running shoes, and of course, blow and hookers.

Now for some other stats of the Cashing in story:

• The tallest can held over 700 bucks!
• The one with all of the pennies had over 75 bucks!
• Out of all that change I only had one Canadian coin, and one penny that was rejected.

Now this is the best part of the story. I was feeling so lucky after raking in over 1300 bucks I bolted for The Argosy and put it all down on black.

Now I’m out 1300 bucks…

Dammit.

(that last one it not true)

Have a nice week folks! Thanks for reading