Last Thursday I was tagged by Sassywho, who then tagged KC Sponge, who tagged Erin, who then tagged me again, and that is how I know Kevin Bacon!

In this one I have to tell 8 secrets about me “The D” (HI! That’s me, nice to meet cha’!).

#1. When I was in the Marine Corps stationed at Camp Pendleton California, I got in trouble for being 2 minuets late for a formation. I told the platoon sergeant that I was late because “I was born late and I have been late ever since” He didn’t think that was funny (but the rest of the platoon did) one bit. I had to stand NJP or “Office Hours” (the Navy calls it “Captains mast”, the army calls it Article 15) which is like court. I was put on barracks restriction (grounded) for 7 days. I could not leave the barracks except for meals and church. This is why I don’t have a Good Conduct Medal. Yea, that sucked. But I’m still smartin’ off!! And I still think the whole situation is funny.

#2. In one of the best fist ta’ cuffs that I had with The Sis. I went after her with a baseball bat. At the time I swore I was going to bash her head in (I was that pissed) but she ran into her room and locked the door. So I went after the door with the bat. Bashed 3 holes in it and then left. Mom gets home I’m grounded Sis gets off scott free. I don’t remember what we were fighting about. But I’m glad I didn’t catch her with that bat.

#3 I once shot a bird with a bee-bee gun that my mother didn’t know that I had. Me, being the family genius that I am, took the bird in the house and started chasing my sister with it. She flipped out and started running all over the house yelling and screaming. When mom got home from work or wherever she was, The Sis ratted me out and I was grounded AGAIN!

#4 This one isn’t really a secret. One of the first times I was drunk was at a party my older brother K-DAWG had in the now defunct 7^th Street Travelodge in KCK (the EPA building is there now). I was a sophomore in high school. K-Dawg was in college at KCKCC. Of course he bought the beer. At that time (fall of 1986) I’m pretty sure the drinking age was still 18 but I might be wrong. Anyway, we were all wasted and screwing around I was jumping from one bed to the other when this big friend of his stood up between the beds. I was in mid air and smashed right into him breaking my collar bone like a twig. I stood up and knew that there was something wrong with my left arm but was so wasted that I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. I found my brother and asked him to feel both of my collar bones. He did and then FLIP-OUT! “YOU FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE!! MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME!! THAT FUCKERS BROKE!” So we went to the hospital and took x-rays. I remember seeing Mom yelling at K-dawg though the window in a door as I was walking toward them after being discharged with my left arm in sling. (Still feeling no pain). Guess what K-Dawgs punishment was for taking me out drinking? That’s right moms favorite, GROUNDED! Of course I was grounded too for drinking. She was PISSED! I ended up missing the entire wrestling season for it. I did not drink again until senior graduation, and I haven’t stopped since.

#5 This one is about the worst beating (spanking) I have ever received. It was a nice spring day, not to hot, not to cold. I must have been around 10-12 years old. We were all out in the back yard playing baseball. I was standing on second base. I don’t remember who the batter was, the hit was a soft grounder to the short stop I ran for third and slid head first like Pete Rose. Everyone called me out. But I know I was safe. I stood up picked up the base and slammed it in to the ground while yelling “BULLSHIT”!!! Just as the base hits the grass I hear what most people would describe as a sound from the devil himself scream “DARREN… GET IN HERE!!!!” My Dad was standing on the deck watching us play and I didn’t know it. Man, was he pissed! I immediately start to cry, because I knew what was coming, a good old fashioned ass whoopin’ and boy did I get one. I remember him yelling “NO SON OF MINE IS GONNA TALK LIKE THAT, YOU LITTLE FUCKER! (no, he didn’t call me that). And of course… I was grounded.

#6 The details of this story have been a source of debate in my family ever since it happened. I remember it like it was yesterday. This is the Gods honest truth as I know it happened. My family left me to die in the Macy’s Department store on the Plaza. I can see it know, I was standing looking at a rack of ladies clothes, the entire family was there shopping for whatever entire families shop for. I did not move, I stood there like I was told to, next thing I know no one is around, not a soul. “Mom”! I shout. “Dad?” No response whatsoever, I begin to search for the parental units. I’m too short to see over the racks of clothes. I keep shouting Mom!? Dad?! No response, I even shout for the siblings, no response from any of them either. I begin to cry, after all I am a little kid. I leave the store thinking that they left me. I then quickly develop a life plan of revenge on all of them! Step one: kill a wine-o and take all his shit. Step two: eat as many happy meals as I can. As I was walking around the outside of the store the po-pos found me crying and most likely sucking my thumb. They ask me “Where are your parents?” I reply “I DON”T FUCKIN’ KNOW!” DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKIN’ KNOW WHERE MY GAWD DAM PARENTS ARE FOR CHRIST SAKES?” Remember I’m like 5 years old. (O.k. so I didn’t scream that). I get into their car and we drive around for what seamed like hours. I tell them what my Dad was wearing, “Green pants (most likely polyester) and a white shirt.” They ask me if I remember where the car was parked. I did not remember where the car was parked but I do remember that it was green Chevy station wagon with wood panel trim. They give me a Snickers bar and let me wear their hat. Mmmmm, that makes me feel better about my family abandoning me on the mean streets of Kansas City. As we are driving down a hill I see my dad walking up the hill with the rest of the family in tow. They’re eating ice cream, laughing, and having a grand old time! (O.K I made that last part up.) They were all crying and so was I. Bla, bla, bla we lived happily ever after. But I do think my Mom grounded my Dad for so reason.

#7 The neighborhood that I grew up in had a lot of empty lots and wooded areas. One of said wooded areas ran parallel with the Parallel Parkway in K.C.K. between 78^th street and 83^rd street. The area has houses on it now but when I was a rambunctious teenager we used to sneak out of the house late at night and, depending on the weather, it would either be show balls or water balloons. We had this sling shot that required 3 people to operate it. Any way, we would use said sling shot to loft the projectiles on to cars that were driving down the road. One time, we hit one right on the hood, and it stopped right in the middle of the street with a screeeeech! The dude got out of his car and came running after us. But because of our camouflaged location he had no idea where we were. We were so cocky that we didn’t even run from him. We just hit in the darkness under a couple piles of leaves. But we never got caught so I never did get grounded for it. If my mother reads this I bet she’ll ground me now.

#8 This one is lame. I save the largest french fries and eat them last.

I hereby declare that I am not going to tag anyone because this has to stop some where and it might as well be here.

Thanks for reading!

This post is exactly 1500 words in length. Right NOW!