Pickles are the most gawd awful thing on the face of the earth. I hate their taste. I hate their smell. I hate their color. I hate their texture. I hate everything about them. (I am about to vomit on my desk right now just thinking about those fucking things. I am 3 seconds from going into convulsions before the dry heaving starts.) Excuse me… Ok, I am much better.

If I were king for a day I would round up all pickle farmers and force them to grow corn or some other kind of vegetable that is yummy. [Note: I know there is no such job as a pickle farmer. Pickles come from cucumbers, retard.] I would also outlaw all pickles for any kind of consumption. (Thus creating a black market for pickles) I would call the Surgeon General and have him fabricate a story about the ill effects of those disgusting fucking creations. I would tell him to say something like, if you eat just one slice of a pickle YOU WILL GET CANCER, GUARANTEED or some other fucked up disease. Pickles cause breast cancer in both men and women. And that eating pickles will cause you to have a small penis. Women will have their vagina’s and uterus fall out. And some other disgusting shit will happen to you if you eat them.

If I order a burger at a bar or some other type of eating establishment I tell the waiters “Do not bring me the god damn pickle, if a pickle is anywhere on the plate I will send the whole fucking thing back” (that usually gets me dirty looks, or poor service) I can’t even touch the fucking things. (Hang on I am going to up chuck again).

I once was dating this girl who was extremely hot, I mean like Carmen Electra hot, totally out of my league. I came home from work one day and she was eating a dill pickle right out of the jar, like someone would eat a banana or an apple. I told her that it was fine with me as long as she did not kiss me until after she brushed her teeth and used mouth wash. She took a big bite of the pickle and then stuck her tongue in my mouth. I started to dry heave and ran to the bathroom where I barfed. While she just stood there naked and laughing at me. I then kicked her out and I have not seen her since. She knew how I felt about those devil spawn creations and she knew the consequences.

Pickles are the fruit of the Devil. I am going to throw up now.

But I like cucumbers on my salad.