I didn’t do too much this weekend, in fact I never left the house. How’s that for an awesome, kick-ass single dude?

So I’ll tell ya about a dream I had the other night.

(deed-lee, deed-lee, deed-lee)

Gene Simmons is a mutant serial killer, he is married to Debra Norville. They are both mutant serial killers and last night they tried to kill me and destroy my neighborhood.

Gene’s doesn’t have a left hand, he has an axe, not a guitar “axe” but more of a lumberjacks axe. For a right hand he has one of those old fashioned rotary egg beaters.

Debra Norville, Gene’s wife, has a 50 cal. that unfolds out of the top of her head. Instead of legs she has tank tracks.

They are walking (and rolling) down my street shooting, and smashing, everything up like they were some kind of Terminators. But they’re not Terminators. They were just basically being JERKS! (I hate jerks.)

So I walk out to the middle of my street with my arms slightly raised from my side as if to say “Dude? WTF? Srsly, your effing up my ‘hood.”

When they see me they stop creating a ruckus and I say “Dude, whats the dealio? Why you be hatin’? Wat’s up wiff dat, yo?”

I have no weapons unless you call superior intelligence, (shut it), athletic ability, and hand to hand fighting skills, that I mastered in the Marine Corps. And yes, I do consider them weapons, so I wasn’t totally unarmed as we battled to the death.

They just looked at me and went back to creating quite a fracas in my ‘nood. What were they thinking? Like I wasn’t going to do any thing about some moron mutant celebrities destroying my street. I turn to my a slack jawed local and say “I think these two buffoons want a donnybrook“. Sure does look that way, what are you gonna do The D” He says with a a touch of fear in his voice. “Well, friend if they want a donnybrook, then a donnybrook they shall have.”

So I snuck up to that Norville bitch using the tools of stealth movement that I have mastered while stationed in Japan. As she was rolling past my position I leapt out, grabbed the barrel of the 50 caliber machine gun bent it down and stuck it in her mouth. There by rendering it useless. If she fired she would blow out the back of her head. She then threw me to the ground, and started rolling towards me screaming. I sprang up just as she is about to crush my head like a pee under her tank like tracks. Landing on her back I say “Hey, lady don’t you know it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full?” Then I Judo chopped off that annoying bitchs head off with a resounding HAY-YYAAA!

She’s dead.

One down, one to go.

Gene is another story he’s much more heavlly armed than is old lady. He’s pissed, he starts spitting blood from his mouth (did I mention that he’s in his Kiss make up? Yea, he is) He starts yelling in some language that I don’t understand, probably jive. We being running toward each other, he is swinging his axe, with G.I.Joe kung-fu grip, and spinning his egg beater. I grab a muffler just as we smash into each other with the force of that atom smasher CERN (if it worked) thingamajig. I deflect his axe with the muffler and punch him in the eye with my free hand as I’m flipping over him, he catches my left pinky toe with his egg beater and cuts it clean off! “Yousa! that’s gonna leave a mark!” I exclaim.

With a swift round house kick to the back of his head before he can turn around he falls to the ground. I pounce on his back and rip off his axe arm. I then begin my victory laugh “BUWAHAHA” which Gene is not a fan of, apparently. He get up and runs at me I leap over him and flip in mid air and strike a killing blow by placing his own axe in to the back of his head.

(deed-lee, deed-lee, deed-lee)

That ladies and gents is how I saved the world from Gene Simmons and Debora Norville.

You can all sleep in peace now.

Have a nice week!