If this story was a movie I’d want this song played at the beginning and end credits.

Back in November I turned 38 years awesome. November 14th to be exact, go ahead and add that to your list of people you love, so you’ll remember to send me a card or something nice. I took the day off because I believe everyone should take their birthdays off. In fact, I think it should be a constitutional amendment. Call your local Congressman.

When I went back to work the following Monday I started getting a pretty bad headache after about 20 min into the day. I just caulked it up to still being hungover tired from a weekend over indulgence. So over lunch I took some advil and didn’t think too much about it.

If you’ve been following along with the sporadic blog post then you know I have been working a butt load of hours. 10-12 hour days 6-7 days a week even though the holidays. I’ve been getting headaches off an on all that whole time, along with blurry vision. Not just headaches but brain crushing headaches. I should also mention that I usually don’t get headaches. I would never get one or the other, they would both be happening simultaneously. So I looked into some of the symptoms of brain tumors, and brain cancer and various other brain defects. When there is something wrong with The D then I usually think it’s the worst possible diagnosis that it could possibly be from the symptoms that I had at the time.

I found out that with the symptoms that I had that it wasn’t any type of brain issue and that it was more likely a eyesight problem.  But I had a deadline coming up on Jan 14 and I knew that I was going to be working 7 days a week up until then. I also had a banquet to attend on the 17th which I still had a lot of work to take care of for that.

So I put the word out on the Twitter asking for recommendations of eye doctors. With the stipulation that they had to have some hot chicks working there. (Hey, I’m single that’s a stipulation for every thing, sue me.) I got a few suggestions but they were either not in my plan or they were all the way across town.

So I found The Fairway Eye Center in my plan listing. Of course there really isn’t a way for me to tell if they had hot chicks or not. But the proximity of the office to my house was the winning point for them to get my business. I called them on Thursday Jan 15 in the hopes of getting an appointment the next day. I forgot to mention that I was planning on taking the 16th off anyway so I might as well do it then. They got me in at 11:15 So I shuffled around some stuff and made that the first stop on my list.

I get to the doctors office at 11:15 on the nose. HUZZAH! Hot chicks! At least the one that gave me the new patient form to fill out was hot. After filling out the form she takes me into this room that is dimly lit my first thought is that there is going to be some BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW action. But sadly there wasn’t any. The room had table, computer monitor, stool and a chair on the other side of the table. On the table there were 4 eye exam machines. If I went in to what each machine tested I’d be here for ever. So lets just say that its the most though eye exam I had ever had in my life.

I hadn’t had an eye exam since I left the Marine Corps in 1994 so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I had eye exams at the DMV but that’s not really an eye exam, now is it.

After I have all those test done I’m follow the girl (I’d say she was 25) into another room with what looks like a dentist chair in it. I have a seat and wait about 5 min or less for the doctor to come in. He comes in and starts telling me every thing that I just had done and explains what each machine tested and I’m asking questions he’s answering them. Very much like a conversation you’d have over dinner. I didn’t get the feeling he was in a rush or any thing like that. He even took the time to explain to me why it was important to get a picture of my retina. He showed me pics of what a bad one looks like, and he compared the bad one to mine. Which was totally fine. (Wipes brow).

He then shows me some of the same color blind images that I saw earlier he goes straight to one in particular.

This one:

He ask me “What number do you see?”

The D: “11″

Doc: Its actually “74″

The D: “shit”

Doc: “So you have partial color blindness. Which is no big deal. Can you tell the difference between purple and fuschia?”

The D: No and who would want to purple sucks balls.

Doc: “There really isn’t much difference but it you do have some minor color blindness.”

That was diagnosis Number #1!

Doc: “You also have astigmatism”

The D: “WTF is that?”

Doc: “Your eyes are out of whack…”

The D: (interrupting) “No shit that’s why I’m here.”

Doc: “Your eyes aren’t focusing at the same distance. One eye will be in focus at say 5 feet while the other one won’t be in focus until say 4 feet or a different distance.”

The D: (thinking to myself) “OH FUCK!! MOM WAS RIGHT!! MY EYES DID GET STUCK WHEN I WOULD CROSS MY EYES AS A KID!!”

Doc: “Again, it’s not that serious”

That was diagnosis Number #2!

We move on to the final eye exam. He swings this space age contraption in from of my face. He tells me which one is better “one…” switches something… or two.”

This goes on for about 5 min in each eye. He then says this is what you see now. “Ok?” I reply. He then switches something in the contraption in from of my face, and says, this is what I’m going to give you.

WOW!! I exclaimed! That’s amazing!! He then pulls that thing away from my face.

Doc: “Do you have an HDTV?”

The D: “Umm, yea?”

Doc: “Would you say it’s the difference between regular TV and HDTV?”

The D: OH! Defiantly, it’s amazing!

He says that my eye sight isn’t really that bad and that if I didn’t work at a computer all day then I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it for a few more months or even years, until it got worse with age.

That was diagnosis Number #3!

Its a trifecta! When shit is wrong with me I go all out!

In the short span of about 30 min I now have minor color blindness, astigmatism, and farsightedness.

So I am now just like the rest of my family, we all now wear glasses. I think the worst part about it is that now I am beginning to finally grow up a little bit. But I will never actually act like it, in fact I refuse to act like a grown up. At least when I don’t have to work 80 hours a week.

After the exam I picked out some frames that were in my plan. Frames are a LOT more expensive that I ever thought they would be, I was thinking like 60, 70 bucks tops. This lady was showing me some Tommy Hilfiger for $800. Fuck that! I thought. Give me the ones that fit my plan, thinking that I would just use them as a starter pair and end up losing, breaking, scratching, them eventually.

I picked up the new glasses last Wednesday. You know what? Not one single person that I work with has, said anything to me about them. Is that messed up? Or am I just over thinking things?

Anyway here ya go.

Remember folks I don’t care what strangers think. If I did I wouldn’t tell you half the stuff I already do.

On the way down the first thing that I thought as I was airborne, and headed for the rock hard sidewalk, might have been “Nothing good can come of this” or maybe it was “This is gonna leave a mark” or come to think of it, it was probably “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!” I landed on my right shoulder, with a thud, (if I was still fat it would have been SLAT!), a bonk, (that would be my SKULL hitting the ground). Luckily my SKULL apparently bounces (because it’s full of hot air, Hay-O!), and a SREACH, he sliding across about 2 or 3 WHOLE SLABS OF PORTLAND CEMENT. As I slid on the concrete it ripped the sleeve off my favorite running shirt. But that is not big deal I can get another one from my company.

After the shirt sleeve ripped off, after only sliding about half a slab of concrete the realization that my skin was going to be next then set in, and I tried to prepare for the rush of absolutely INSUFFERARABLE pain to come racing toward my gray matter.Before I began the SLIDE of DEATH my head hit the concrete and I think I passed out for a bit. But because I’m a former Marine and tough as nails, I just took it like a man, and started to cry a little bit, once I sat up writhing in pain. When I was finished sliding across the concrete which was about as smooth as the Hima-fuckin’-layas! I sat up grabbing my shoulder and just hoping it would not fall off. (Because then I would have to beat someone with the bloody end of my arm, and there was no one around. So that means I would have to beat myself again. Wait, what did I just say?)

While sitting there holding my shoulder and wishing I had another left arm to hold on to the piece of skin that I thought was dangling over my right eye. Thankfully that wasn’t the case somehow my shirt tail came up over my head. I remember thinking “Man, that was one fucked up trip and I wasn’t even high. I hope someone caught that on video”. Then I remembered that I wasn’t a celebrity (because I’m too good looking (and AWESOME) for those slackers, Clooney who?) and don’t have the paparazzi following me everywhere I go. Fo-shizzle!

The worst part is that I think I really jacked up my shoulder/neck/collar bone/skull area. I don’t any thing’s broken because I have full mobility in my neck and shoulder. Btw, can everyone else move part of their skull while the rest stays in place while hearing a grinding noise? Cause I apparently can, NOW! My shoulder hurts like a MO-FO and the edges of the road rash are already turning black and blue.

The pain is EXCRUCIATING!!! People!!! You don’t even understand!! You cannot comprehend that amount of suffering I am enduring. (What’s with all the big words in this paragraph?) I’d take pictures but I can’t find my camera i.e. it’s not right in front of me, and I’m in no mood to look for it.

My right arm is in too much pain to even move. But I can move it which tells me it’s not broken or dislocated.

Because, as you know, I’m an orth-fuckin-opedic doctor and shit! And I can examine myself thankyouverymuch. Besides, I know how to perform a self diagnosis on my own bone(s).

Thanks for reading and try to have a painless day will ya?

[Sunday was my younger brothers 33rd birthday. We had dinner at his Father-in-laws house in Oklahoma, he lives at 157th and Nall but from my house it might as well been in Oklahoma. As with previous birthdays in my family we brothers don't get each other anything not even cards. We just show up for the free meal and harass the little kids. Or at least I do.]

Back the doctors appointment. I got to his office at exactly 7:30 a.m. where I checked in with the receptionist. She gave me a form to fill out as per their usual procedure. I always have to fill out the same form every time I see him. The form is basically a list of symptoms that I have non of so the answer to every question is no. I have filled out the form so many times this year that I don’t even bother reading it any more. Its quite lame.

I do that give it back to the lady and take a seat and wait about 5 min before my favorite nurse Farrah comes thru the door and calls my name. She escorts me to the scale where she says:

“So you’re here for a physical, huh?”

“Nope, just to wanted to see you” I reply sarcastically.

She just gives me this “fuck you” glare. She obviously was not in the mood for flirting.

“First thing I need is a urine sample.” She orders

“First thing? That must mean you’re going to need a second. What is the second thing”.

“D.N.A” She said’s with a smile and a wink.

“EXCELLENT” I command!

I go in to the bathroom room and or course I don’t have to pee whatsoever but I do have too poop. So I just take a seat and relax everything and low and behold I pee so I grab the cup and filler up. I put the cup in the little window deally thingy and rejoin Farrah in the hallway. We then go into this room that has a chair that looks like a dentist chair.

“Have a seat, and roll up your sleeve” She orders. (she’s very bossy)

“I thought you wanted D.N.A?” I question.

“I do, your blood ya horn dog.”

“You tease” I exclaimed.

“Shut up you knew what I was talking about.”

So I get in the chair, roll up my sleeve. While she gets all of the stuff to take my blood.

She sits on the stool, pulls the tray over takes out this needle, swabs my, left arm, and says:

“O.K. ready? Little prick”

“How do you know? You’ve never even seen it?” I say surprisingly.

She practically fell out off her stool. She was laughing so hard. She almost stabbed herself with the needle. Then I start thinking of all these other smart-ass answers like:

“I bet you say that to all the boys.”

Or.

“No thank you.”

Or. My fave.

“Maybe you have a big vagina” But that one does not really apply to this situation.

Once she recovered she went about her business of taking my DNA.

“When was your last physical? Farrah asked.

“1994 when I was discharged from the Marine Corps.”

“Marine Corps huh? What did you do”

“Infantry” I boast proudly.

“Ever kill any one?”

“I cannot confirm nor deny that statement” I say jokingly.

She sees right though that answer and ask “Where were you stationed?”

“I spent 3 years at Camp Pendelton, 6 months in Okinawa Japan, and 6 months aboard the USS Peleliu“

This kind of meaningless chit-chat went on for about 5 or 10 more minutes.

We then go to an exam room. I sit down.

“I am going to take your family history”. She says

“Where are you going to take it?” I say.

“Umm, right here, right now?”

“O.K. but WHERE are you going to take it I kind need it.”

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She is obviously grown annoyed with my jokes. We get though the family history. And she leaves and says the Doctor will be in in a few minuets.

“I don’t have to get in some lame gown or anything?”

“Not unless you like to where gowns”

“Nope”.

She leaves I sit.

The Doctor comes in and we basically start talking about my health and stuff I might be at high risk for because of genetics and lifestyle and all that kind of stuff. Then we get to my weight loss and diet, he seamed really impressed with the weight loss, 55 lbs since September 1st thankyouverymuch! Then he tell me to get on the table and lay down. Where he started to pock and prod my body, just like doctors do. he Checks my testes for abnormalities, and check me for hernia. (FYI ladies everything is fine with my genitals so you don’t have anything to worry about.)

Then the best part of the entire morning happens in a single sentence said by the doctor

“Because their is no prostate cancer in your family, and your still pretty young I will NOT have to do a rectal exam”.

My reaction:

“That is THE BEST NEWS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL NEWS!!”

My cholesterol is high at 203 but it is not dangerously high so I don’t have to go on any medication for it. I just have to keep losing weight. And my blood pressure wan high again so he wants me to buy a BP machine which I really don’t want to do. I think the higher readings are from being nervous in a doctors office.

He did recommend that I enroll in a program they have that is not covered by insurance and cost 700-900 bucks. It’s a 60 day fitness and weight loss program Where they run a shit load of test and tell you a lot about your body. Like how many calories you burn when resting and how may calories you burn when working out. They also tell you what your body fat percentage is and what it should be for my age and height. They also have a nutritionist meet with you and go over your labs and taylor a very specific diet for your weight loss goals. They guarantee that you will lose 3″ off your waist and 25% of your body fat.

It sounds like a great program but I don’t have 1000 bucks just sitting around so I will have to wait until I do my taxes and get my refund (if any) to decide if I am going to do it.

I prolly will but not until after St. Patrick’s Day. Which is a HUGE party day here in Kansas City, Plus it’s on a Saturday so its going to be extra big this year. Plus Aphrodite is coming in town for it so I VERY excited about that.

I have more to tell but you will have to come back tomorrow.

See ya then.