How much trouble would someone get in to if they jumped off and popped open a parachute? Cause I want to do that!

Such as remembering to take them off before spraying them with cleaner.

FYI, the cleaner does NOT taste very well.

That’s how I felt Friday night after I got home from work. I just felt a little off, like I needed to be doing something or that I had forgotten something. But I had no idea what it was or why I was feeling just not right. I just shrugged it off and went about my business answering the door and handing out candy to the little kids. About 7: 30 or 8 o’clock after I shut off the porch light. I was sitting in my home office, I remembered that I needed to call buddy the EYE-talian and tell him that I wasn’t going to meet him out that night because I had to work on Saturday. I walk from my home office to the kitchen table where I dump out all of my pockets whenever I get home from work or where ever I had been, keys, wallet, sunglasses (cuz when you’re cool the sun always shines), spare change, and the whatnots. I don’t see my cell phone, I lift up some mail, and various other papers but to no luck. It’s not there.

I spend the next 2 hours searching the house, looking in all of the obvious places I could have left it, pants I was wearing for work, shoes, gym bag (even though I haven’t used that gym bag in like a month) under the couches, inside the cushions, under the bed. I mean I searched everywhere! But it was not in the house. I even checked the refrigerator, I once heard or read a story about someone leaving their tv remote in their fridge, nope not in the fridge or freezer.

I know I had it at work because I used it at work when the SIL called me that morning. So that was the last place I knew I had it. So about 10 or 11 o’clock I went out to the office to see if I left it out there. I searched every drawer and under ever plan that was on my desk. Nope not there either!

So I start thinking, “Shit what am I going to do now?” I have everything in there, numbers, emails addresses, well, that’s about it really, but there are a lot of people in it.  I don’t even know my own work number by heart! I couldn’t even tell you my own home number without having to think about for a few moments. Which, I don’t think is that big of a deal cuz, you know, I call myself SSSOOOO often! And I really can’t afford another phone right now.

Of course if I had to get a new phone the Upgrade Rule would have to be enacted. What’s the Upgrade Rule, you ask? The Upgrade Rule is one of life’s many unwritten rules. It states that whenever you have to, or choose, to get something new you must upgrade to a newer model. It doesn’t matter if its furniture, computers, cell phones, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever. So of course I would have to get an Iphone. Which i can’t afford right now.

Saturday, I go into the office and look again but as I’m searching I realize that if I had left it on my desk the cleaning people would have taken it, and to continue to search my cubicle was futile.

I go out Saturday night, as I pull into the driveway and put the car in park I grab some stuff from the back seat and here chirping. I stop… “What the hell is that?” I said to myself. “Chirp… chirp… chirp… chirp”. It’s a constant chirping. I’d never heard it before and I just dismiss it as nothing. I shut the car door, and stop. I don’t here it any more. I drop everything I was caring and open the backseat drivers side door again. Chirp…Chirp… chirp… chirp… chirp. It’s coming from INSIDE the car!

“What the fuck is that?!” I say out loud this time! I lean inside the car like a dog sniffing around the ground looking for a bone he just buried. Only I’m not sniffing I’m listening to hear where if coming from, is it inside the car, outside the car, under the car, on top of the car? Chirp… chirp… chirp… chirp. “QUIET!” I say to myself out loud “Smell that?”

I deduct that it’s coming from somewhere inside the car. I further deduct that its coming from the passenger back seat! I jump in and begin to frantically search for the source of the unknown chirping. “Chirp… chirp… chirp… chirp”. There it is again only louder this time. I’m getting close and strangely sexually excited at this point. I fold down the back of the seat. Nothing! I fold the back of the seat up, I fold the bottom of the seat up nothing! Why is that chirping playing with me! What have I done to deserve such anguish? I stop. Silence… did it stop? Did the chirping stop? Was it an animal that has now run off? I stop moving… nothing, silence. I stay still for what seamed like an eternity. Then very faintly in the distance as if to taunt me, “Chirp… chirp… chirp… chirp” Only this time it’s muffled like something is covering it. I lift the seat, “Chirp… chirp… chirp… chirp”. Its louder now! I see nothing but darkness under the seat. “Why do you toy with me?!” I yell at nothing in particular. “Chirp… chirp… chirp… chirp” The floor mat is the only thing between me and what may or may not be the subject of my frantic search!

I lift the floor mat and slowly extend my right hand down into the darkness. I stop, what if this is some kind of rabid animal that gnaws off my right hand. I’m right handed, I don’t want to learn now to write with my left. Beside left handed people are the devils children everyone know that. I retract my right hand, and slowly extend my left on to the floor of the car.

As I reach the floor a bright light that could have only come from the hand of God himself hits my face blinding me by its beauty and its glory I jump back in terror, fearing that I may have just unleashed the spirits that guard the Ark of the Covenant I shield my eyes and face so they don’t melt off like those Nazi’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

IT’S MY CELL PHONE. ITS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!

We then spent the next few hours making out and having dirty dirty sex and how its unusable. Until I clean it up Monday night. Which is when I’ll return all of your calls.

This was all a true story. If you followed me on twitter you would have gotten the lame version of the story.

Have a nice week, Yall!