No smart-ass, I actually cooked a real meal. And although it was no SEX-LOAF it was still pretty kick-ass.

Let’s get to the story shall we? WE SHALL!

With the impending Shownami, Snowpocalypse, Snowgasm, (take your pick, did I miss any?) I decide to go into work Saturday morning for a couple of hours. But once it started to snow I got the hell out of there and stopped by the grocery store. Of course I did break the number one rule of grocery shopping. NEVER GO HUNGRY! You’ll end up spending twice as much as you were expecting too. Of course I did. All I wanted to do was get enough food for Saturday night, Sunday morning and Sunday afternoon.

But before we get in to all that I want to tell you of this thing I found out Friday night. I was trying to decide which store to go to I had 3 choices, Hy-vee, Hen House, or Sun Fresh. The Sun Fresh in Westport is too ghetto hence the nickname “Ghetto-Fresh”, The closest  Hy-Vee is on Stateline and 75th or there abouts, and the Hen House is too small. So I was looking at some stuff on the Hy-vee web site and found out that they DELIVER!! OMFG!! I almost passed out from reading that on there web site. Just place your order 4 hours before you want it delivered or picked up and they’ll bring it to your car! Here’s all the details for you’z guyz.

So back to our original story.

As I was leaving work I was thinking about what I wanted to eat for the next couple of days. I decided that I was:

A) Going to make me some chocolate chip cookies on Sunday.

2) Going to have Chicken Mac and Cheese for dinner Sunday night.

So naturally the first thing I buy are grapes, apples, and oranges. See people, NEVER GO TO THE STORE HUNGRY, EVER!! Then I start thinking about breakfast and I knew right then and there I wanted some Honey Nut Cheerios. It is head and shoulders the best breakfast every day of the week and twice in Sunday. We can debate it all you want but you’d be wrong. To prove to you that its the best breakfast cereal EVAH! They were out. Click this for sound effect. But they had plenty of other sub-par breakfast cereal. So I just skipped it all together and went with pancakes.

When I got home from the store I found out that I was not in the ownership of one flat cookie sheet. It was still snowing so I put the cookies off until Sunday afternoon when I could get out again to pick one up.

So I have the chicken, mac & cheese, corn and broccoli. I know how to cook the corn, broccoli and the mac and cheese because I can read, and it says right there on the package. BUT! It doesn’t say shit about how to cook 2 chicken breast  on the chicken package. WTF?

So I start searching the web for instructions on how to bake chicken breast. All I can find are recipes that have me adding all this other lame-o shizz that I don’t want to add. All I want to know is what temperature and how long they need to be in the freaking oven. Seriously it shouldn’t have been this hard! I spent hours and I MEAN HOURS, like at least 1.5 hours looking for that information.

So I got fed up with that so I asked the twitterverse. Apparently, I wasn’t clear when I asked “How long, and at what temp do I cook 2 skinless chicken breast? So the back and forth went on for about 20 min then I texted The Sis, she calls back:

The D: ‘The D, GO!” (Yes, that is how I answer the phone. Saying “Hello” is for chumps!)

The Sis: What are you baking the chicken in?

The D: The oven

The Sis: NO SHIT dumb dumb! What size is the pan?

The D: I have to use a pan!

The Sis: Oh, good grief.

The D: Umm, you want the dimensions of the pan?

The Sis: UGH!! Why do I even bother helping you? How deep is it?

The D: Umm 4″? Maybe?

The Sis: 20-25 min 400° Cover the dish with aluminum foil. What are you going to season them with?

The D: All I want to do is cook the fucking things so I can chop them up and put them in the mac and cheese.

The Sis: You’re going to put chicken in Macaroni and Cheese?

The D: Yup

The Sis: That’s disgusting.

The D: NEGATIVE! It’s going to be AWESOME!

The Sis: Whatev. If you burn your house down you’ll have to stray with moms so be careful.

The D: Peace out Girl Scout!

The Sis: Wha…

Click.

So I start searching though the cabinet for some kind of spices, I find some Mrs’ Dash seasoning that I think will work.

So I put the chicken in the pan and add the Mrs. Dash seasoning. Cover it with the aluminum foil and chuck it in the oven at 400° set the timer for 20 minuets.

Cook the broccoli according to what it says on the package. Then set it aside. Next I cook the corn and the macaroni at the same time but in different pans. The corn is finished before the mac so I set it aside also.

The timer goes off and I check the chicken by cutting into it no pink, so its done.

Take it out and then the timer for the macaroni goes off. I dump that into the strainer and let it sit while I cut up the chicken.

Then I dump the broccoli, corn, mac, and chicken back in the large pan that I cooked the macaroni in. (note to self: Get a bigger pan the next time you do this.) Then I add the cheese and mix it all together. I also added whatever I still needed to add to the mac and cheese, butter, and milk, I think.

This makes a shit ton of food!

Let me tell y’all somethin’ it was better than McCoys Mac and Cheese. I just added some pepper. Then divided out into 4 microwave safe Tupperware bowls and I’m set for just about the whole week.

Total time cooking was about 20-25 min. Total set up time was about all day looking for the right time and temp to cook that freaking chicken.

Today I had some for lunch and I think it may be even better reheated.

To read heat it: one min in the microwave stir then one more min. Eat!

That’s some GOOOOD CHOW!

(Tuesday night in part 2 I’ll show you the picks. They aren’t loading to the server for some reason.)

*That’s what my grandmother calls the microwave. Only she pronounces it micra-oven. Do all 90 + year old ladies call it that?

                          

If this story was a movie I’d want this song played at the beginning and end credits.

Back in November I turned 38 years awesome. November 14th to be exact, go ahead and add that to your list of people you love, so you’ll remember to send me a card or something nice. I took the day off because I believe everyone should take their birthdays off. In fact, I think it should be a constitutional amendment. Call your local Congressman.

When I went back to work the following Monday I started getting a pretty bad headache after about 20 min into the day. I just caulked it up to still being hungover tired from a weekend over indulgence. So over lunch I took some advil and didn’t think too much about it.

If you’ve been following along with the sporadic blog post then you know I have been working a butt load of hours. 10-12 hour days 6-7 days a week even though the holidays. I’ve been getting headaches off an on all that whole time, along with blurry vision. Not just headaches but brain crushing headaches. I should also mention that I usually don’t get headaches. I would never get one or the other, they would both be happening simultaneously. So I looked into some of the symptoms of brain tumors, and brain cancer and various other brain defects. When there is something wrong with The D then I usually think it’s the worst possible diagnosis that it could possibly be from the symptoms that I had at the time.

I found out that with the symptoms that I had that it wasn’t any type of brain issue and that it was more likely a eyesight problem.  But I had a deadline coming up on Jan 14 and I knew that I was going to be working 7 days a week up until then. I also had a banquet to attend on the 17th which I still had a lot of work to take care of for that.

So I put the word out on the Twitter asking for recommendations of eye doctors. With the stipulation that they had to have some hot chicks working there. (Hey, I’m single that’s a stipulation for every thing, sue me.) I got a few suggestions but they were either not in my plan or they were all the way across town.

So I found The Fairway Eye Center in my plan listing. Of course there really isn’t a way for me to tell if they had hot chicks or not. But the proximity of the office to my house was the winning point for them to get my business. I called them on Thursday Jan 15 in the hopes of getting an appointment the next day. I forgot to mention that I was planning on taking the 16th off anyway so I might as well do it then. They got me in at 11:15 So I shuffled around some stuff and made that the first stop on my list.

I get to the doctors office at 11:15 on the nose. HUZZAH! Hot chicks! At least the one that gave me the new patient form to fill out was hot. After filling out the form she takes me into this room that is dimly lit my first thought is that there is going to be some BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW action. But sadly there wasn’t any. The room had table, computer monitor, stool and a chair on the other side of the table. On the table there were 4 eye exam machines. If I went in to what each machine tested I’d be here for ever. So lets just say that its the most though eye exam I had ever had in my life.

I hadn’t had an eye exam since I left the Marine Corps in 1994 so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I had eye exams at the DMV but that’s not really an eye exam, now is it.

After I have all those test done I’m follow the girl (I’d say she was 25) into another room with what looks like a dentist chair in it. I have a seat and wait about 5 min or less for the doctor to come in. He comes in and starts telling me every thing that I just had done and explains what each machine tested and I’m asking questions he’s answering them. Very much like a conversation you’d have over dinner. I didn’t get the feeling he was in a rush or any thing like that. He even took the time to explain to me why it was important to get a picture of my retina. He showed me pics of what a bad one looks like, and he compared the bad one to mine. Which was totally fine. (Wipes brow).

He then shows me some of the same color blind images that I saw earlier he goes straight to one in particular.

This one:

He ask me “What number do you see?”

The D: “11″

Doc: Its actually “74″

The D: “shit”

Doc: “So you have partial color blindness. Which is no big deal. Can you tell the difference between purple and fuschia?”

The D: No and who would want to purple sucks balls.

Doc: “There really isn’t much difference but it you do have some minor color blindness.”

That was diagnosis Number #1!

Doc: “You also have astigmatism”

The D: “WTF is that?”

Doc: “Your eyes are out of whack…”

The D: (interrupting) “No shit that’s why I’m here.”

Doc: “Your eyes aren’t focusing at the same distance. One eye will be in focus at say 5 feet while the other one won’t be in focus until say 4 feet or a different distance.”

The D: (thinking to myself) “OH FUCK!! MOM WAS RIGHT!! MY EYES DID GET STUCK WHEN I WOULD CROSS MY EYES AS A KID!!”

Doc: “Again, it’s not that serious”

That was diagnosis Number #2!

We move on to the final eye exam. He swings this space age contraption in from of my face. He tells me which one is better “one…” switches something… or two.”

This goes on for about 5 min in each eye. He then says this is what you see now. “Ok?” I reply. He then switches something in the contraption in from of my face, and says, this is what I’m going to give you.

WOW!! I exclaimed! That’s amazing!! He then pulls that thing away from my face.

Doc: “Do you have an HDTV?”

The D: “Umm, yea?”

Doc: “Would you say it’s the difference between regular TV and HDTV?”

The D: OH! Defiantly, it’s amazing!

He says that my eye sight isn’t really that bad and that if I didn’t work at a computer all day then I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it for a few more months or even years, until it got worse with age.

That was diagnosis Number #3!

Its a trifecta! When shit is wrong with me I go all out!

In the short span of about 30 min I now have minor color blindness, astigmatism, and farsightedness.

So I am now just like the rest of my family, we all now wear glasses. I think the worst part about it is that now I am beginning to finally grow up a little bit. But I will never actually act like it, in fact I refuse to act like a grown up. At least when I don’t have to work 80 hours a week.

After the exam I picked out some frames that were in my plan. Frames are a LOT more expensive that I ever thought they would be, I was thinking like 60, 70 bucks tops. This lady was showing me some Tommy Hilfiger for $800. Fuck that! I thought. Give me the ones that fit my plan, thinking that I would just use them as a starter pair and end up losing, breaking, scratching, them eventually.

I picked up the new glasses last Wednesday. You know what? Not one single person that I work with has, said anything to me about them. Is that messed up? Or am I just over thinking things?

Anyway here ya go.

Remember folks I don’t care what strangers think. If I did I wouldn’t tell you half the stuff I already do.

                          

Saturday was my first day off all year and I pretty much just bummed around the house doing nothing. But I did reward myself with a trip to Go Chicken Go. But before I went there I went to the bank to deposit a bunch of checks for this banquet that I take part in the planning of every January. Its not my usual bank so I had to look up the locations on their web site. Come to find out there’s one not to far from the house on Shawnee Drive and 635. So I go to the bank, make the deposit which I’m sure I screwed up the deposit slip. As I was leaving I thought that I’d head over to GCG on 7th street for some gizzards and an extra roll. So I’m thinking that Shawnee drive will get me back to 7Th street. Then I can just head north and hit GCG. As I was coming down the hill from the light at 635 I saw with great surprise that there sat a GCG! I was ASTONISHED! I had no idea that there was a location there! I was so happy I nearly creamed my jeans! Best part is they have a drive-thru! But sadly it doesn’t have the aura of fear surrounding it like the one in downtown KCK. Like the feeling that you might get shot for looking at someone wrong or for wearing the wrong color shirt. That’s what I like about the GCG, I’d like a side of fear with my gizzards.

So on to reward that I bought myself today. I had been wanting a scanner for over 2 years. Mom has one but she won’t let me have it, she doesn’t even know how to use it nor does it even work with her computer. (Her computer is new and no one installed the software drivers for it when C-Boy gave it to her.) So it just sits there like some retarded dufus! So after few minuets of searching and comparing models and ink cost I settled on the HP Office Jet J6480 I then settled on Staples in Ward Parkway Mall and headed over.

As I was planning the trip I thought I’d finally get my hair cut on the way or at least the way home. WRONG, it was an hour wait, screw that! I can get my hair cut any time. So I went to Staples but as per par for the course on anything that I want they were out of stock. But I wanted a new printer/ scanner and I wanted on today. So I settled for the HP Office Jet J4680 Which is just as good, It just doesn’t have all the slots for memory cards. I don’t even use these things any way. So that was no big deal. Then the salesman up sale me with the warranty razzmatazz and I shot that right down. Nuts to that! The basic warranty is just fine.

Here’s the new printer.

They both have the important freatures that I wanted, printer/scanner/copier, and not important of all wireless printing so I could print from my laptop without having to connect a USB cable. I like the fact that I can sit here typing and have just the one power cord attached to the laptop.

Heres the old one if you’re interested it still works. Let me know and I’ll send ya he specs and all that jazz.

And to further reward myself I’m taking this coming Friday off to get new tires for the Envoy and to see the doctor who I am sure will have the worst news possible for me.

Have a good week ya’ll!

Oh and I currently compiling a list for the Airing of Grivences Part 2